Tag: Hearing Loss

Coping with Grief: My Cochlear Implant Journey and Loss of My Spouse

On By Glenice SIn Cochlear Implant, grief, Hearing Loss, Hospital Protocol, TraumaLeave a comment

My first post on here is my cochlear implant story titled, “How Many Times Do I Have To Grieve.” With my gradual hearing loss of many years, there were many times I had to face the loss as it accumulated year after year. Now I face the greatest grief of all, the death of my spouse.

Today I had to talk with a city staff person about removing a hedge on the boulevard that Paul used to maintain. It hit me hard. It is another element of the things he did that is going away. The changes and the hits keep on coming. My heart breaks over and over again as he grows further and further away. 

I believe he is in heaven with God. And I trust that God has a plan for me. I pray, I listen and try my best to do His will as I believe He is guiding me. I seek solace in Him, but some days missing Paul is so great that the tears just drip from my face as I try to keep doing life.

The question is no longer, “How many times do I have to grieve?” It is continuous with the loss of my love, my best friend. The question is, “How do I manage this grief?” It is a grief complicated by post traumatic stress due to the way Paul died. I have pursued many tools that have helped on this path. Prayer, first and foremost, several different support groups, music therapy, exercise and nutrition, and the sharing of our story. 

Sharing our story is part of seeking justice for Paul and the many others that died by the hands of the covid hospital protocol. It can be therapeutic to the grief process. I work with Covid Justice MN. As a group we work at getting the information to the uninformed and the deniers. We are seeking truth and to change the protocols that kill.

I know the changes will keep coming, my heart will break again and the tears will flow. I’ll turn to God. He will pick me up and I’ll take another step forward. I’ll think of Paul in heaven and know that God has us where He wants us. With God, I’ll manage this grief.

Dancing Through the Tears 

On By Glenice SIn Bilateral, Cochlear Implant, Deaf, Hearing Aids, Hearing Loss, Music1 Comment

I have always preserved music in my memory, especially the music I loved before hearing loss made it impossible to learn new songs. Lately I have been playing more music from the early years when I still had most of my hearing. One of those songs has been stuck in my head for the last few days. I haven’t been able to shut it off. The song is, “When Will I See You Again?” by the Three Degrees. 

It’s Christmas time, and I have been prepping for a house full of family on Christmas Eve. Along with the music that keeps playing in my head while I clean, I have been missing my husband, Paul. He died on January 10, 2022. Like the words in the song, I’ve been wondering when will I see him again. The song plays over and over in my head. 

While working in the kitchen, with that song playing in my head, and remembering Paul, a memory of my wonderful husband of 44 years bubbled to the surface of my thoughts. I remember it was Christmastime and earlier that month I had seen my hearing doctor. At the time I had been wearing hearing aids for a few years. At the appointment with my doctor, it was determined that I needed stronger hearing aids, and the deterioration of my hearing did not appear to be slowing down. 

On an evening when I was getting ready for Christmas celebrations doing chores in the kitchen, Paul and his brother started bringing big boxes into the house. Paul wanted to surprise me with a top-of-the-line Bose stereo system. He wanted to give me the gift of music for however much longer I had to hear it. We were raising three daughters, and my first thought was, “Can we afford this?” But that, the budget, isn’t what mattered to Paul. It was a beautiful gift of love. 

That stereo provided great surround sound for many years. When I could, I played it loud and danced through my household chores. Eventually, the lack of hearing made it impossible for me to understand the words of a song. Finally, before I received my first cochlear implant, the only music I enjoyed from the stereo was “Mannheim Steamroller Christmas.” For some reason that style of sound reached me through my deafness, and I’m sure stirred my memory bank of songs enough for me to enjoy it. 

I have had bilateral cochlear implants now for many years. When I got my first implant, the goal was to learn to hear speech and relieve the work of lip reading. I did rehabilitation exercises to learn to hear again and to be able to hear on the phone. After I mastered the phone, I wanted music again. Listening to songs from my good hearing days, sometimes over and over, brought the enjoyment of music back to me. Paul was there for me, every step of the way, always supportive. He would be so happy for me and the hearing system I have now. My latest cochlear implant processors have Bluetooth. When I play music on my phone, it goes directly to my hearing system, and I hear it like I did before deafness. When I’m missing ‘Paul my own’ and remembering us through the years, I’ll put on some music and find myself dancing through the tears.