My first post on here is my cochlear implant story titled, “How Many Times Do I Have To Grieve.” With my gradual hearing loss of many years, there were many times I had to face the loss as it accumulated year after year. Now I face the greatest grief of all, the death of my spouse.
Today I had to talk with a city staff person about removing a hedge on the boulevard that Paul used to maintain. It hit me hard. It is another element of the things he did that is going away. The changes and the hits keep on coming. My heart breaks over and over again as he grows further and further away.
I believe he is in heaven with God. And I trust that God has a plan for me. I pray, I listen and try my best to do His will as I believe He is guiding me. I seek solace in Him, but some days missing Paul is so great that the tears just drip from my face as I try to keep doing life.
The question is no longer, “How many times do I have to grieve?” It is continuous with the loss of my love, my best friend. The question is, “How do I manage this grief?” It is a grief complicated by post traumatic stress due to the way Paul died. I have pursued many tools that have helped on this path. Prayer, first and foremost, several different support groups, music therapy, exercise and nutrition, and the sharing of our story.
Sharing our story is part of seeking justice for Paul and the many others that died by the hands of the covid hospital protocol. It can be therapeutic to the grief process. I work with Covid Justice MN. As a group we work at getting the information to the uninformed and the deniers. We are seeking truth and to change the protocols that kill.
I know the changes will keep coming, my heart will break again and the tears will flow. I’ll turn to God. He will pick me up and I’ll take another step forward. I’ll think of Paul in heaven and know that God has us where He wants us. With God, I’ll manage this grief.
I have been wanting to change and expand the direction of this blog for quite awhile. The focus of this blog has always been about hearing, losing my hearing, gaining sound with cochlear implants and learning to hear with them. That part of my life has been a medical marvel and remains a constant in my life. Everything else has changed.
My husband Paul, of 44 years, died in a hospital on January 10, 2022. The protocols used by the hospitals to treat COVID-19 patients is what killed him. It is hard to write about, yet I feel I must. What happened to Paul and me has happened to so many others. Victims and survivors are finding each other on social media and at health and freedom events. There are many of us that can speak about the chain of events that killed our loved ones, but sadly, some of us still cannot. It has been clear, however, that listening to our stories has motivated others to come forward, and to share their own tragic experiences. You can find well over a thousand of these heartbreaking and eerily similar stories documented on The FormerFedsGroup Freedom Foundation’s COVID-19 Humanity Betrayal Memory Project ( chbmp.org.)
I was searching for support to help me with my grief and thankfully found The FormerFedsGroup Freedom Foundation (FFFF). When I learned about their COVID-19 Humanity Betrayal Memory Project, it helped me process and deal with my loss. They encouraged me to talk about what happened to Paul and to record my experience to preserve the evidence of what happened and to memorialize Paul. FFFF also offers support groups every day of the week including women’s group, men’s group, PTSD support, art therapy and many others. All these groups are online so that anyone can join regardless of where they live. This was the kind of support that I desperately needed and could not find with other groups because so many people are unaware that the COVID-19 hospital protocol was really the cause of their loved ones’ deaths. These protocols consist of using deadly experimental drugs that hospitals are financially incentivized to use. It was because of my participation with FFFF, a local group, Covid Justice MN, reached out to me. This group is fighting for justice on behalf of the COVID-19 hospital protocol victims in Minnesota, and I am grateful to be a part of this group of warriors.
This sound unbelievable? Well, it has happened countless times and still happens to this day. Listen for yourselves on chbmp.org. The government and Big Pharma have turned hospitals into killing factories. Medicine has been corrupted and is not geared towards helping patients. It is profit over patients. Big Pharma does not make cures, they make customers. We must help people wake up and realize this or it will get worse, and more people will die at the hands of these greedy corporations and corrupt bureaucrats. The American people have been gaslit and lied to by our government, the mainstream media and even Hollywood. We have been fed a bunch of dangerous propaganda and the people responsible must be held accountable.
I speak the truth, but many do not want to hear or want to believe it, it is too hard to accept. The FormerFedsGroup Freedom Foundation has identified 25 commonalities that appear in almost every story. The cruelties in the hospitals include not being fed or given water, isolated, neglected and restrained. Horrific treatment of innocent people so they can collect a big check when that person succumbs to the treatment. The 25 commonalities can be found at: https://chbmp.org/commonalities.
My love, my best friend, is in heaven now and that has changed everything for me. At first, I was numb and in shock, but as the shock and numbness wore off, the pain and grief increased. I became aware of what really happened to Paul. Half of me is gone and my life will never be the same. Thankfully, I have support now and I am doing my best to work through my grief. I rely on Jesus and reach out to the many others that have been through the same trauma. God is educating me, moving me, and showing me a part of myself I never imagined. I will follow Him, and I will obey Him. As long as I am here, I will continue to seek the truth and share the truth of what happened to Paul and so many other lives taken too soon.
Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6
One of the things that has changed over the years with my hearing is my speech. I lost my hearing gradually over about 30 years. My mother and pediatrician suspected I had hearing loss when I was a child and it was a confirmed diagnosis when I was in my teens. As a young adult the suspicion that it was a progressive loss was determined to be the case. So, in the formative years, I had almost normal hearing and good speech reflecting what I heard. With the progressive loss, I didn’t always know what sounds I was missing. It was the same with my speech. I didn’t realize that my enunciation was changing as I could not hear the consonants I was neglecting to form when I talked.
My speech changed and no one told me until after I got my cochlear implant. Prior to getting my cochlear implant, my speech was becoming muddled as I was told by my family members. They did not bring that to my attention when it was happening. Had they told me, I probably would have stopped talking.
After getting my first cochlear implant, my speech began to improve. I was able to distinguish between consonant sounds, hear my own voice and therefore recovered enunciation and clarity when I talked. I had the words.
What goes with clear words to make good speech? Intonation. With my cochlear implants I can hear intonation but I hadn’t necessarily applied it to my own manner of speaking. This was brought to my attention when I was training with Yates, my Can-Do-Canines hearing assistance dog. I could say, “Good boy,” but I didn’t add enough cheerfulness and enthusiasm. This was noted by my coaches. They encouraged me to add that to my intonation when rewarding Yates for his proper responses and good behavior. Dogs hear and respond to tone and this is clearly reflected in Yates body language. I can see the difference.
When I speak to Yates with cheerfulness in my voice I can hold his attention. When I add excitement his tail wags harder and he comes in close for a back scratch. Sometimes he needs redirection and the word, “No,” is not effective. Instead I was coached to say, “Anh Anh,” with a tone that is kind of sharp and irritating. This sound usually works.
I have come to realize that my manner of speaking is more monotone than I thought. So I have worked at adding intonation when I talk to Yates that is compelling to him. This involves lifting my voice into a range I’m not use to hearing from myself. It is fun to see his reaction when I apply more cheerfulness to my speech. He will look at me with bright eyes and interest while sometimes wagging his tail and tilting his head. The cuteness of those looks is a joy to behold!
It is warming up here. Yesterday it felt nice enough to get Yates out for a walk. I made sure he had his boots on to protect his paws and that it was warm enough to feel comfortable that his ears and tail would not get frostbite.
Often I will put on my FM neck loop that sends a signal to my implant processors that have a built in telecoil to catch the signal. I plug the FM loop into my phone and wear the loop around my neck. With this system I can listen to my favorite tunes when we walk. (For you hearing readers, this is what I use in place of ear buds or a headset.) My processors are set to deliver 50% telecoil signal and 50% microphone signals so that I still get environmental sound. My audiologist felt it was important to not shut out the environment completely and a 100% telecoil setting would do that. Even so, on this day, since Yates and I had not been on a walk for a few days, I decided to leave the music off and just listen to Yates and the world.
Yates was a little reluctant at first about getting his boots put on. With encouragement and cookie rewards, he cooperated. When all four paws were covered, he stood up and seemed ready to get outside and walking. The sun was shining and with no wind, it felt pretty good to be out of the house.
Boots on – ready to go!
Out the door and on our way, we headed towards the neighborhood school where I knew the path and sidewalks were dry. On the street we stayed close to the curb and in the snow to avoid ice. Once we got to the dry path, we picked up our pace and Yates trotted along. Without music to distract me, I listened to our walk and there was a new sound. Clop, clop, clop, clop, clippity clop, clop, clop, clop – it sounded like I had a little pony trotting beside me! Enjoying his walk and briskly stepping along, it was Yates boots as they tapped the dry pavement. Oh how fun! Something new, something different and a reminder of my Joy in Hearing! I smiled to myself and savored the sound.
As the days get warmer, Yates will wear boots on our walks until it is 20 degrees above as that seems to be the temperature at which he doesn’t display cold paws by stopping and holding them up. We will clop, clop, clop along, listening to our own little song of walking in the neighborhood – grateful for dry paths and the varied sounds of life-making music.
A few years ago when my family was coming to understand the true extent of the success of my hearing with cochlear implants, my daughter shared a realization with me. She said, “Mom, my sisters and I were talking and we came to realize that as you get older, your hearing will keep getting better and dad’s will get worse.” We laughed.
Unfortunately age-related hearing loss is a pretty common issue. I remember when I got my first pair of hearing aids I did not want to be lumped in with old people. I was 28. When you want to hear better, you get over feelings like that, or bury them somewhere and then cover the hearing aids with your hair.
My first pair of hearing aids helped some – but not in a life changing way. I relied greatly on lip reading to understand speech. My family felt they helped. Many times when trying to converse with me, I heard (or saw) my child say to me, “Mom – do you have your hearing aids in?” Usually I did – but with the extent of the progressiveness of my loss, we did not know exactly when that prescription stopped helping. With each new pair of hearing aids, approximately every three years, the prescription was stronger.
Hearing aids can be life changing for some. They help many people with moderate hearing loss hear sounds they have forgotten or may never have heard. Not too long ago I met a young woman whose experience with getting hearing aids was like that. It was inspiring to listen to her share her joy in hearing. Hearing aids gave to her what cochlear implants accomplished for me – the delivery of sound needed to comprehend speech and recognize environmental noises.
Recently I watched my dad recover sound with hearing aids. With age-related hearing loss, he graciously accepted that it is time for some assistance. He admitted to hearing some things he had been missing. Gradual hearing loss, from whatever cause and at any stage in life, fades a person into a quieter world. Hearing aids and cochlear implants give back sounds long forgotten and sometimes surprising to hear again. It is a noisy world and it can be hard to rejoin it.
Yes – my daughters are right. As cochlear implant technology continues to evolve and my brain can still figure out how to use the technology, my hearing keeps getting better. For age-related hearing loss, technology offers a lot for those willing to use it. For most, at all levels of hearing loss, there is hope.
My Aqua Case kit arrived at he cabin at the beginning of the week of our vacation. There were so many activities to participate in that I didn’t rush to put it together and hurry into the water. I wanted to read all the instructions, charge the new battery and make sure that I did everything just right. A couple of days passed before I was ready to sit down with the system, put it together and try it out.
We had great weather. The lake was a nice swimming temperature and the kids were doing water activities every day. It was time to get out there and join them. Setting up my stronger left ear with aqua mic and my Naida safely enclosed in the Aqua Case, I clipped it to my swim suit and headed for a kayak. I don’t know why – but I was feeling a little apprehensive about actually swimming and getting my head wet.
After being on the water in a kayak or floating on a blow up chair, I finally found the courage to go all in. Taking a few breast strokes off the sand bar, I put my head under water and heard the bubbles. I hadn’t heard water like that for a very long time. It was great to have sound while enjoying a favorite family activity.
With the fear of falling into the water removed and being able to hear coaching and instruction from others, I got out on the paddle board and finally mastered it. Last year I didn’t like it, but that had more to do with having to go out in silence.
There is peace in being able to hear the ripples of the water while passing the paddle through it. There is comfort in knowing I will be able to hear oncoming boats. And there is joy in hearing the laughter and giggles of my family swimming in the lake. Thank you Advanced Bionics for developing the Aqua Case.
In preparation for my summer activities, I ordered an Aqua Case for my cochlear implants in April. Advanced Bionics took my order and began the process system which includes submitting an approval request to my health insurance on the chance that part or all of the waterproof system might be covered. I hadn’t heard anything from them, so today I called. The order has been held up in the insurance process. Since I had the money for the Aqua Case set aside I had them send one out so I have it before my vacation.
I have visions of swimming with my grandsons and enjoying the sounds of their laughter and squeals as we play in the water. It will be more fun to go out in the Kayak and have no fear of getting my hearing system wet and the thought of mastering our paddle board and being able to hear the water ripple or an oncoming boat is enticing.
Normally I am pretty patient and wait on the process. This time, the thought of going into the silence when I don’t have to was too much and I decided to push forward.
I love hearing all of the time. Even when a sound is irritating and I have the ability to remove my sound system, I don’t, because it reminds me of how deaf I am. Completely. This reminder often brings me to sadness. There are cochlear implant users that appreciate the ability to go into the silence – I’m just not one of those.
I’m excited for my Aqua Case! There will be water sounds, laughter, splashing and joy! I will be able to hear at least in one ear the sounds that bring smiles to others’ faces which I previously viewed from silence. Splish Splash!
2 Bionic Ears 