I have always preserved music in my memory, especially the music I loved before hearing loss made it impossible to learn new songs. Lately I have been playing more music from the early years when I still had most of my hearing. One of those songs has been stuck in my head for the last few days. I haven’t been able to shut it off. The song is, “When Will I See You Again?” by the Three Degrees. 

It’s Christmas time, and I have been prepping for a house full of family on Christmas Eve. Along with the music that keeps playing in my head while I clean, I have been missing my husband, Paul. He died on January 10, 2022. Like the words in the song, I’ve been wondering when will I see him again. The song plays over and over in my head. 

While working in the kitchen, with that song playing in my head, and remembering Paul, a memory of my wonderful husband of 44 years bubbled to the surface of my thoughts. I remember it was Christmastime and earlier that month I had seen my hearing doctor. At the time I had been wearing hearing aids for a few years. At the appointment with my doctor, it was determined that I needed stronger hearing aids, and the deterioration of my hearing did not appear to be slowing down. 

On an evening when I was getting ready for Christmas celebrations doing chores in the kitchen, Paul and his brother started bringing big boxes into the house. Paul wanted to surprise me with a top-of-the-line Bose stereo system. He wanted to give me the gift of music for however much longer I had to hear it. We were raising three daughters, and my first thought was, “Can we afford this?” But that, the budget, isn’t what mattered to Paul. It was a beautiful gift of love. 

That stereo provided great surround sound for many years. When I could, I played it loud and danced through my household chores. Eventually, the lack of hearing made it impossible for me to understand the words of a song. Finally, before I received my first cochlear implant, the only music I enjoyed from the stereo was “Mannheim Steamroller Christmas.” For some reason that style of sound reached me through my deafness, and I’m sure stirred my memory bank of songs enough for me to enjoy it. 

I have had bilateral cochlear implants now for many years. When I got my first implant, the goal was to learn to hear speech and relieve the work of lip reading. I did rehabilitation exercises to learn to hear again and to be able to hear on the phone. After I mastered the phone, I wanted music again. Listening to songs from my good hearing days, sometimes over and over, brought the enjoyment of music back to me. Paul was there for me, every step of the way, always supportive. He would be so happy for me and the hearing system I have now. My latest cochlear implant processors have Bluetooth. When I play music on my phone, it goes directly to my hearing system, and I hear it like I did before deafness. When I’m missing ‘Paul my own’ and remembering us through the years, I’ll put on some music and find myself dancing through the tears.