I have been trying for several days to put into words
The thankfulness I feel, for all that I have heard
The words keep escaping me
They never seem enough
So it seemed there was only one thing left
A picture of my cup.
Category: What I Hear
This Is Who I Am
Sometimes a dream can seem so real that when you wake up you wonder if it happened. I had a dream like that last night and what I dreamt is impossible, but it seemed so real. I dreamt that my husband was leaving for work, on his way down the stair he said over his shoulder, “Good-bye,” and I responded, “Good-bye,” and then it hit me, I didn’t have my processors on. I said, “I heard that!” and Paul, knowing that I wasn’t hooked up, turned right around and came back upstairs. He was talking to me and I was repeating back to him what he was saying almost word for word. I would miss one now and then, but still we were thinking how could this be?
After I was completely awake and thinking about this dream I realized it was like dreams I had after I quit smoking. I would dream that I smoked and then in the morning wonder if I did. I didn’t want to start again so I would be relieved that it was just a dream. I guess we dream about what we miss and I think I was missing those spontaneous moments that happen at the beginning or end of the day when I might not have my hearing prothesis on.
This dream surprised me and it feels like it came at an odd time. On the last Saturday we spent at our cabin before closing it up for the winter season, I felt like I had crossed a threshold. I got up that morning and Paul was preparing to take the boat to the storage place. He indicated that he was leaving and I knew I had at least an hour to myself. My normal routine in the morning is to get ready for the day and get my hearing on first thing. On this particular morning, knowing I didn’t need to communicate with anyone for awhile, I decided to relax in my comfortable pajamas, and linger over breakfast and coffee while I enjoyed the vision of the lake outside my window. Sitting in the silence, I came to realize that I have finally found peace with my deafness.
It is okay. This is who I am.
I am a woman who puts on her hearing in the morning
and takes it off at night.
I am a woman who sleeps in total silence
and wakes to the morning light.
When I look out the window to see what kind of day it will be,
I may notice the birds in the branches of a nearby tree.
I need not wonder if they are chirping or singing a song,
even though I knew their silence many years long.
It is now in my blessings a matter of choice,
If I want to hear birdsongs or the beautiful human voice.
The sounds of life are mine to have no matter the place,
And the silence is mine to choose, to reject or embrace.
Vaulted Ceilings and Wood Floors
Where I live, the popular home design for quite a while now has been vaulted ceilings and wood floors. I cannot think of another design in home planning that is more unfriendly to the hearing impaired except maybe smooth tile with vaulted ceilings.
I really enjoy hearing with my cochlear implants and in most situations I hear very well. In my own home I have a combination of carpet and brick tile and my ceilings are flat and eight feet high. Sound doesn’t bounce or echo like it does in homes that I have been in with wood floors and vaulted ceilings.
I find these homes to be so irritating the way sound bounces around that it is getting difficult for me to enjoy going to the homes of friends or family with vaulted ceilings and smooth floors. I don’t want to limit my social life again due to hearing issues when it seems like I have just gotten it back, but more and more I find myself in this situation as friends and family buy or build new homes.
Why are acoustics in home design ignored? Why is this design so popular? The world is noisy enough without creating a situation in your home where noise is amplified. Do others think about the acoustics in their home or is it all about big space?
In my home I want cozy, warm, conversational space. No vaulted ceilings or floors that bounce sound for me.
Weeds!
On Saturday I found myself thinking about sounds that I had never thought about before. Weeding a garden has sounds of its own. Weeds with a shallow root don’t make a lot of noise but you can hear the soil drop off and sprinkle back to the ground in a soft patter. Most weeds though have a deeper root that is solidly embedded in the soil. As I wrapped my gloved fingers around the base of the unwanted plant and tugged, it would make a soft cracking noise as it began to give up its hold on the soil and then with a loud snap would give its final release. Craaacckckck snap! Craaacckckck snap! I heard over and over as I released my pretty flowers from the encroaching weeds.
I spent most of Saturday doing that as we had been gone a lot and my gardens had become a poor sight. They are looking better now and still in need of work. I’m making plans for moving perennials this fall which seems to be fast approaching. I would love to figure out a way to make my flower gardens maintenance free; however, I did find the weeding to be therapeutic as I put the unpleasant vegetation into the bin.
It Feels Good to Feel Normal
Yesterday was eventful with two experiences to remind me how fortunate I am to have hearing with my cochlear implants.
It started out with a trip to the grocery store. I was driving down Main street when I noticed a motorcycle behind me. I “see” motorcycles because I used to have one and I try to be very aware as I was hit by an unaware driver on mine. So, I was keeping an eye on this guy as we left the changed light to move through the next block. Half way up the block I decided to take a right turn at the next light and I needed to change lanes. As I was preparing to signal and move over, I “heard” the motorcycle’s engine rev up and sure enough the impatient driver decided to pass me on the right. It was a stupid and unsafe move on his part that could have ended in an accident if I had not “heard” him because he moved into a blind spot and I would not have seen him. It was also ridiculous on his part as we both ended up waiting at the same light half a block ahead.
After the relief of a near miss, I was quite angered at this motorcycle driver as it is his kind of driving that gives motorcycle enthusiasts a bad rep and leads to accidents. If I would have had the opportunity to tell him so, I would have.
Next on my agenda yesterday was a trip to my audiologist to participate in a study regarding cochlear implant use. That involves a 40 mile drive to another city. I was ready early and thinking about leaving early when I decided to read the newspaper instead. Funny how the timing of things sometimes works out to put us in a certain place at a certain time.
After reading the newspaper, I headed out. I was barely out of town on a county road heading for the highway when the SUV in front of me crossed into the oncoming lane, came back across both lanes, went into the ditch and rolled completely over. As I was pulling over, I was reaching into my purse for my cell phone and was on the line with 911 in a matter of seconds. I didn’t think, “Will I be able to hear them? Can I do this?” I just did. Another car pulled over and the man asked if I was on the line with 911 and I said, “Yes.” He proceeded ahead of me to the car to check on the driver. She appeared to be fine with only minor injuries. I stayed on the line with 911 to give them directions to where we were.
Before my CI, I might have hit the motorcycle. Deaf people are very good drivers, but without sound we rely solely on our vision. Also before my CI, I wouldn’t have had a cell phone to call 911 after witnessing the rollover. I still would have stopped to help, but my assistance would have been very restrained by my limited communication.
It was a dramatic day with a roller coaster of emotions: relief, anger, shock, concerned panic, and relief again. As I finally calmed, relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the day, I thought, “It feels good to feel normal.”
Name That Kitty
This is my cat. We brought him home in June of 1995 when he was about six weeks old. With five family members trying to come up with just the right name and not agreeing on anything, he lived with us for three days as “Kitty.” At that point, I just thought it was terrible that we had not named him yet, so I began to question the family to try to come up with something. I could not hear him, so I asked, “What does he sound like?” My husband and kids said he had kind of a high pitched, squeaky meow, and since he was a kitty, that description seemed right to me. Mittens, Streak, Phantom, none of the names we were coming up with seemed to suit him.
On the evening of the third day, my youngest daughter was playing with our still unnamed kitty when an advertisement for an Elvis CD came on the television. At that point, I suggested to the family, “Should we name him Elvis?” There were no objections, only smiles. So the kitty finally had a name, Elvis.
When we got Elvis I was wearing the strongest analog hearing aids I could be fitted with, but I could not hear my new kitten’s meow. He was a cute, playful kitten, so I enjoyed everything else about him; his adorable face, pretty eyes and really soft fur. I did not hear Elvis until after I was hooked-up with my first cochlear implant in September of 2001 when he was six years old.
Elvis is 14 now and I have listened to him greet, complain, beg, scold and give his opinion for eight years now and I am grateful for every “meow” I hear. He still has a high-pitched squeaky meow and he likes to use his voice. If I could have heard him when we were naming him, he might be called “Squeak”.
Pots and Pans Band
We opened up our lake cabin Mother’s Day weekend. My daughter, son-in-law and two grandsons surprised us with a last minute decision to join us for the weekend. It was really great and we had a good time.
It was especially nice for Paul to have some help putting in the dock and the grandson’s desire to go for a boat ride was a great motivator to get the boats in the water and running. It was a wonderful start to what I hope will be a sunny and warm summer.
This first weekend though was a bit cool and kept the boys inside more. We don’t keep a lot of toys at the cabin, so it didn’t take long for the boys to start looking for new interests. I decided to pull out an old standby. The pots and pans band! I never would have done this when I was a hearing aid wearer. Hearing aids amplified the sound in such a way that some things were uncomfortable. The sound with my cochlear implants is so comfortably natural that I didn’t give the idea of the boys pounding away on pots and pans a second thought.
My daughter was a little puzzled when I said, “Isn’t it interesting how the different shapes of pans make such different sounds.” I reminded her there was a time when some sounds were all the same to me.
With wooden spoons in hand
The little boys tapped a pot then a pan
To their own rhythmless beat they did drum
Not yet a tune anyone could hum
But the joy of two boys and their make believe band playing the kitchen pots and pans!
Spring Song
I started spring cleaning yesterday. It is not warm enough to open the windows yet, so I was working in my closed up house dusting out window sills when I heard his song. The male cardinal singing to his girl. It is such a beautiful song and I could hear it through the window. Wow – I could hear it through the window with my bionic ears.
We have a pair of cardinals that seem to come back here each spring. Last year I almost succeeded in getting a good picture of the male and this year I plan to. He is beautiful with his bright red feathers. His girl is a little harder to spot. With nature’s natural protection for the mother of the offspring, she has browner feathers and blends in with the trees. I love watching these two flit around our yard and even better, I love that I can hear them.
With the joyful sounds, come the annoying sounds and when I hear the squawking of the blackbird, I smile to myself and think, “Ah, yes, I must hear him too.” And I remember when I couldn’t hear him at all and I thank God for the blackbird’s call.
It seems that I write about hearing birds a lot. With my hearing loss starting in the high frequencies, they were one of the first sounds that I lost, so I didn’t hear them for over 20 years. It wasn’t something that I dwelled on or thought a lot about, but since I have gotten that hearing back, I simply cannot take it for granted and continue to be amazed.
It is finally spring and with it comes nature’s choir. Sometimes it is the hard rock of a blackbird’s squawk, or the simple twitter of a sparrow, or the beautiful song of a bright red cardinal singing to his girl.
Not a Minute Too Soon
I can hear the ticking of the clock on the wall
I can hear your footsteps as you walk down the hall
I can hear the laughter of the children in their room
The sounds of life came back to me not a minute too soon
My sadness overwhelmed me as my ears began to die
I often asked the Lord, if He could tell me why
But then He showed me there was hope up ahead
And to a hearing miracle my heart and life were led
I sat alone in silence for a period of time
The Lord, He said to me, “There is no reason why
But the lessons you will learn, and the things that you will know
Will settle in your mind and make your heart grow”
So I waited for the Lord to show me the way
I trusted He would take me where my heart was meant to stay
He walked me from the silence and back to the sound
And here I am again, my life is being found
I can hear the ticking of the clock on the wall
I can hear your footsteps as you walk down the hall
I can hear the laughter of the children in their room
The sounds of life came back to me not a minute too soon
Bird Talk
First, an update, my mother is doing well and statistics regarding sudden hearing loss seem to be in her favor. I think she is bothered more by the tinnitus than the loss of hearing as it is probably more noticeable. The tinnitus she is experiencing is intermittent and before I left, she seemed to think it was getting better and that maybe a little of her hearing had come back. She sees her doctor for a recheck in a few days. She also contacted a friend with hearing loss and asked about her experience. It turns out that it is similar to what my mom is going through. I’m glad she has someone to talk to as my hearing loss experience is very different from a sudden loss.
My sister went with me to visit our parents and I picked her up as it was on the way from where I live. In the past, I would have handed her the keys and asked her to drive so we could visit. Before my cochlear implants, I would do that so I could read lips, which is difficult to do when you are keeping your eyes on the road, so I would often ask whomever I was with to drive. After my first cochlear implant, which is on my left side, I would be arranging people so I could hear them easier or using a nifty little remote microphone that I would have pinned to my sister’s clothing and then plugged it into my behind the ear (BTE) piece so I could hear her. Those were adjustments I needed to make before being bilateral. Wow – being bilateral. I drove, we talked, no problems. 
I had one other CI moment that was fun. The weather was warming and we had a spring like day, so my sister, my mother and I walked over to a nearby mall. While we were there, we stopped in a pet store to look at the puppies. As I was oohing and aahing over the cute little animals, I could hear birds chirping behind me. I turned around to see a beautiful yellow cockatiel singing to me. I puckered up and gave it a whistle back and he returned his song, so I whistled again. We were going back and forth like that and I was thoroughly enjoying being able to hear him and hear myself whistle back, when I glanced over my shoulder and noticed my mother watching us and smiling. Not too long ago, my mother shared with me that she is still amazed at what my bionic ears do for me. I love that she was able to witness that moment and share the joy.
2 Bionic Ears 