Category: Hearing Loss

Coping with Grief: My Cochlear Implant Journey and Loss of My Spouse

On By Glenice SIn Cochlear Implant, grief, Hearing Loss, Hospital Protocol, TraumaLeave a comment

My first post on here is my cochlear implant story titled, “How Many Times Do I Have To Grieve.” With my gradual hearing loss of many years, there were many times I had to face the loss as it accumulated year after year. Now I face the greatest grief of all, the death of my spouse.

Today I had to talk with a city staff person about removing a hedge on the boulevard that Paul used to maintain. It hit me hard. It is another element of the things he did that is going away. The changes and the hits keep on coming. My heart breaks over and over again as he grows further and further away. 

I believe he is in heaven with God. And I trust that God has a plan for me. I pray, I listen and try my best to do His will as I believe He is guiding me. I seek solace in Him, but some days missing Paul is so great that the tears just drip from my face as I try to keep doing life.

The question is no longer, “How many times do I have to grieve?” It is continuous with the loss of my love, my best friend. The question is, “How do I manage this grief?” It is a grief complicated by post traumatic stress due to the way Paul died. I have pursued many tools that have helped on this path. Prayer, first and foremost, several different support groups, music therapy, exercise and nutrition, and the sharing of our story. 

Sharing our story is part of seeking justice for Paul and the many others that died by the hands of the covid hospital protocol. It can be therapeutic to the grief process. I work with Covid Justice MN. As a group we work at getting the information to the uninformed and the deniers. We are seeking truth and to change the protocols that kill.

I know the changes will keep coming, my heart will break again and the tears will flow. I’ll turn to God. He will pick me up and I’ll take another step forward. I’ll think of Paul in heaven and know that God has us where He wants us. With God, I’ll manage this grief.

Dancing Through the Tears 

On By Glenice SIn Bilateral, Cochlear Implant, Deaf, Hearing Aids, Hearing Loss, Music1 Comment

I have always preserved music in my memory, especially the music I loved before hearing loss made it impossible to learn new songs. Lately I have been playing more music from the early years when I still had most of my hearing. One of those songs has been stuck in my head for the last few days. I haven’t been able to shut it off. The song is, “When Will I See You Again?” by the Three Degrees. 

It’s Christmas time, and I have been prepping for a house full of family on Christmas Eve. Along with the music that keeps playing in my head while I clean, I have been missing my husband, Paul. He died on January 10, 2022. Like the words in the song, I’ve been wondering when will I see him again. The song plays over and over in my head. 

While working in the kitchen, with that song playing in my head, and remembering Paul, a memory of my wonderful husband of 44 years bubbled to the surface of my thoughts. I remember it was Christmastime and earlier that month I had seen my hearing doctor. At the time I had been wearing hearing aids for a few years. At the appointment with my doctor, it was determined that I needed stronger hearing aids, and the deterioration of my hearing did not appear to be slowing down. 

On an evening when I was getting ready for Christmas celebrations doing chores in the kitchen, Paul and his brother started bringing big boxes into the house. Paul wanted to surprise me with a top-of-the-line Bose stereo system. He wanted to give me the gift of music for however much longer I had to hear it. We were raising three daughters, and my first thought was, “Can we afford this?” But that, the budget, isn’t what mattered to Paul. It was a beautiful gift of love. 

That stereo provided great surround sound for many years. When I could, I played it loud and danced through my household chores. Eventually, the lack of hearing made it impossible for me to understand the words of a song. Finally, before I received my first cochlear implant, the only music I enjoyed from the stereo was “Mannheim Steamroller Christmas.” For some reason that style of sound reached me through my deafness, and I’m sure stirred my memory bank of songs enough for me to enjoy it. 

I have had bilateral cochlear implants now for many years. When I got my first implant, the goal was to learn to hear speech and relieve the work of lip reading. I did rehabilitation exercises to learn to hear again and to be able to hear on the phone. After I mastered the phone, I wanted music again. Listening to songs from my good hearing days, sometimes over and over, brought the enjoyment of music back to me. Paul was there for me, every step of the way, always supportive. He would be so happy for me and the hearing system I have now. My latest cochlear implant processors have Bluetooth. When I play music on my phone, it goes directly to my hearing system, and I hear it like I did before deafness. When I’m missing ‘Paul my own’ and remembering us through the years, I’ll put on some music and find myself dancing through the tears.

Whispers

On By Glenice SIn Activities, Cochlear Implant, Hearing Environment, Hearing Loss, T-mic, Theater, What I HearLeave a comment

StreetCar250sqThe Little Theatre of Owatonna is playing “A Streetcar Named Desire.” I have been volunteering on the costume team. A couple of the actors have quick changes that we are helping with and changing areas have been setup backstage. Backstage is dark and quiet. We use flashlights to see costumes and props. If we need to communicate, it is done in  whispers.

I was struggling to hear my co-costumers in the dark. Due to my hearing loss, I have become accustomed to facing a person and looking at them when they are talking to me. Although I feel that the hearing I have with my cochlear implants is pretty great, whispering in the dark is a challenge.

At the dress rehearsal as we were figuring out how we wanted to help the actors and where we needed to be, I found myself in a pitch black corner. I heard co-costumer, Norma, whisper to me but had no idea what she said. She whispered louder. I still didn’t get it. On Norma’s third try, I finally got that she was telling me the corner was too small for two and she was going to go to stage left. While I stood in the corner waiting for the next move, I wondered to myself, “How am I going to communicate back here?”

Later that evening, Norma and I were working together behind the scenes stage left. The area was dark, but not so black you couldn’t see anything; however, reading lips was not an option. Norma whispered something to me and I happened to lean in allowing her to whisper right next to my left side processor T-mic microphone. Wallah! I was able to understand her whispers.

It was always hard for me to understand whispers. I choose the word “understand” because I could hear the hushed sounds of a whisper, but I could not comprehend the words being said.

In the history of testing people’s hearing, whispering was used as a tool for assessment. My very first Ear, Nose and Throat doctor that I saw for a hearing assessment tested me with whispering. In the exam room, he stood in the corner, facing away from me and whispered numbers. I was to repeat the numbers back to him. I was sitting on the exam table and my mother was sitting nearby in a chair.  When I looked at her during this test, her expression told me that I was not getting the numbers right. At the moment she realized I was looking at her, she forced a a smile.

For many years I avoided situations where I would need to communicate in the dark or with whispers. If someone did try to communicate with me via whispers, they would often get the fake out response – a smile and a nod, or if I could see their face, a reflection of the emotion I thought I was seeing in them.

cropped-earheart Now I hear with my bionic ears and I’m conquering my hearing fears. Whisper to me – on the left side – into my T-mic microphone.

Hearing Better

On By Glenice SIn Cochlear Implant, Hearing Aids, Hearing Environment, Hearing LossLeave a comment

A few years ago when my family was coming to understand the true extent of the success of my hearing with cochlear implants, my daughter shared a realization with me. She said, “Mom, my sisters and I were talking and we came to realize that as you get older, your hearing will keep getting better and dad’s will get worse.” We laughed.

Unfortunately age-related hearing loss is a pretty common issue. I remember when I got my first pair of hearing aids I did not want to be lumped in with old people. I was 28. When you want to hear better, you get over feelings like that, or bury them somewhere and then cover the hearing aids with your hair.

My first pair of hearing aids helped some – but not in a life changing way. I relied greatly on lip reading to understand speech. My family felt they helped. Many times when trying to converse with me, I heard (or saw) my child say to me, “Mom – do you have your hearing aids in?” Usually I did – but with the extent of the progressiveness of my loss, we did not know exactly when that prescription stopped helping. With each new pair of hearing aids, approximately every three years, the prescription was stronger.

Hearing aids can be life changing for some. They help many people with moderate hearing loss hear sounds they have forgotten or may never have heard. Not too long ago I met a young woman whose experience with getting hearing aids was like that. It was inspiring to listen to her share her joy in hearing. Hearing aids gave to her what cochlear implants accomplished for me – the delivery of sound needed to comprehend speech and recognize environmental noises.

Me and My DadRecently I watched my dad recover sound with hearing aids. With age-related hearing loss, he graciously accepted that it is time for some assistance. He admitted to hearing some things he had been missing. Gradual hearing loss, from whatever cause and at any stage in life, fades a person into a quieter world. Hearing aids and cochlear implants give back sounds long forgotten and sometimes surprising to hear again. It is a noisy world and it can be hard to rejoin it.

Yes – my daughters are right. As cochlear implant technology continues to evolve and my brain can still figure out how to use the technology, my hearing keeps getting better. For age-related hearing loss, technology offers a lot for those willing to use it. For most, at all levels of hearing loss, there is hope.

Edit, Start Dication

On By Glenice SIn Activities, Advance Bionics, Bilateral, Cochlear Implant, Hearing Loss, Music, SpeechLeave a comment

The first time someone told me they could hear something different in my speech was when I was 20 and on my first date with my husband, Paul. I had just told him about my hearing loss diagnosis. I was a little taken aback as I had not thought about the affect hearing loss might have on how I talked. He never brought it up again until after I had my cochlear implants for awhile. Now, if my speech changes, Paul says I need to go to the audiologist and get my cochlear implants adjusted. Apparently the first letter that goes is “S”. That is why sometimes when people ask me my last name they think my response is Wenson!

There was one other time the subject of speech came up, but with my mother. I was a hearing aid user at the time and it was obvious that there was a limit to how much they aided me. I had stopped singing in church because I could not hear myself well enough to know if I had the right notes. I shared this frustration with my mother. She thought about it for a moment and then asked me to make her a promise. She said, “Even if you lose all your hearing, promise me you will never stop talking.” I paused for a moment before I answered her. Knowing myself, the perfectionist that I am, I wasn’t sure I could keep that promise but I made it anyway. Deep inside I knew that if I felt that I was not speaking well I would stop talking.

My speech did change. I did not realize it was happening and my family never said anything to me. I adjusted to my hearing loss with increased lip reading skills but that did not help me with my speech. It was only after I got my cochlear implants that my family admitted my speech had shifted with my hearing loss. They had to share the truth as they were telling me how much it had improved with the better hearing I was getting from my bionic ears.

Recently, just after Christmas,  I decided to try enjoying an activity that I loved when I was a kid. I went to the local arena with my daughter to go ice-skating. It had been many years since I’d been on ice skates but I was feeling pretty confident that I could pick it up again. Unfortunately I fell and broke my left wrist.

editstartdictationAs a web developer and a blogger I spend a lot of time on the computer. I am a fast typist with both hands working. Now what was I to do? I knew that I had dictation in text messaging on my iPhone. I decided to take a look around on my MacBook Pro and found that I have dictation there also. I continued to look for it in the apps that I use regularly and discovered that dictation appears under the edit menu in everything I use. With dictation I was able to get long text messages written out so that all I have to do is proof, correct, then copy and paste to where I need it. It has come in handy during my time of recovery.

I also discovered another beneficial use for dictation on my computer. Practicing elocution! As I have been using dictation for about a month now I am able to see when I drop a consonant or do not say a word clearly. The dictation on my Mac computer is quite accurate. If I am speaking clearly it often gets whole sentences right.

Not only did my cochlear implants give me back the gift of hearing, they kept me talking and if I know the song that is being sung in church I sing-along. I haven’t tried singing to the dictation yet. Hmm, I’ll give it a shot – such as feelings coming over me there is one most everything nine see not a cloud in the sky got this and I won’t be surprised disagree – guess what song that is? It is a good thing that dictation doesn’t record tune. Maybe I’ll open up GarageBand and see what I can do with that. Love my bionic ears and love my Mac!

A Punch of Reality

On By Glenice SIn Cochlear Implant, Deaf, Hearing Environment, Hearing Loss, HOH, Thoughts, What I Hear1 Comment

A Few Minutes of Bad, A Lifetime of Good

I don’t hear all the time. When I do hear, when my cochlear implant processors are on, I hear quite well. In fact, I think I do so well that my deafness is forgotten by me as well as others. This can lead to a long stretch of some pretty comfortable living. Routines develop, communication patterns are set and we live our lives – and then something will happen that serves as a reminder of what is.

My nights are silent. The very first part of my day is silent. After my hair is dry and styled I put on my processors and the hearing part of my day begins. Once in a while, something or somebody needs my attention before I’m ready to hear. When this happens I get a big dose of in your face reminder that “I am deaf.”

This morning after my shower but before I had dried my hair, my husband popped his head in and handed me my phone. I had some texts that I read, but they were not the messages he needed me to see. He motioned for me to put my processors on and I reminded him my hair was wet. I could see he was frustrated as he quickly left the room. I said, “Fine,” and headed to my nightstand to put an ear on. Before I got it connected he came back with a hastily scribbled note telling me my daughter would call in about ten minutes. He was anxious to get back to the office. I was left feeling like I had just been punched.

I was reminded of something Rush Limbaugh said when he was finally ready to talk about his hearing loss and cochlear implants. He said, “You know, losing your hearing, having a hearing loss, that’s the only disability that makes people mad at you. People don’t get mad at people that can’t see. They don’t get mad at people that can’t walk. They don’t get mad at people that can’t taste or smell anything. But you get mad at people that can’t hear cause you can’t relate to it. You think if the person would just listen better, or pay more attention, that they’d be able to hear. And it doesn’t work that way. When you can’t hear, you can’t hear.” I remember when I read this transcript the first time. First, I was thrilled that Rush Limbaugh was finally sharing his experience and second, he absolutely nailed it with his observation of others showing anger/frustration with a deaf/HOH person.

I see more than what I believe a lot of people realize. From a lifetime of experience compensating for hearing loss, I read body language like I read a book and I don’t miss much. I could “see” my husbands frustration. I allowed his reaction to affect me and I was feeling bad; however, through self-talk I moved myself to a better place. I didn’t want to start my day in a negative mental state. I thought, “I have been here so many times before, I can pull myself from this place.”

I started thinking through my catalog of positives. One of the greatest positives is that I’m am married to a really caring and loving man. So we had a few minutes of bad this morning, but we have had a lifetime of loving and supporting each other. More times than I can count, he carried us through when my hearing loss created hurdles for me and I didn’t always have the tools or the energy to get over them. For example, handling all the phone calls during the years when I couldn’t successfully use the phone with strangers.

No, it is not the last time I will feel the punch of my reality, but the amount of time I allow negative feelings as a reaction to something or somebody is shrinking. Perusing positive thoughts and having had the opportunity to share my feelings I am back on track to feeling good. I’m getting better and faster at replacing the punched-in-the-gut feeling with happiness and peace and I am grateful, so grateful that these tools can be learned.

I’m Not So Tough

On By Glenice SIn Bilateral, Cochlear Implant, Hearing Loss, Mapping, Thoughts, What I HearLeave a comment

I thought I was tough. Turns out – when it comes to my hearing – I’m not so tough. The thought of being without sound for even one day brings tears. Wouldn’t you think after losing my hearing little by little over 30 years I would be able to bear a day or two? Not so. 

Sunday night I noticed that my left processor kept cutting out. I discovered that the wire on my headpiece had a crack in it. It had been my practice to always have a backup on hand, but I discovered that I had forgotten to order a backup. Because I had a meeting on Tuesday that was important to me, I felt a little panic. 

Getting creative, I decided to charge up the batteries to my body processor which I had not worn in a very, very long time. The flashing light told me the processor was getting power yet I had no sound. Switching through the programs I finally got something on the last one. It then dawned on me that all but one of my programs was set on 100% T-mic and the body processor does not have a T-mic, therefore no sound. Settling on the one program that did work, I wore my body processor on the left side and a BTE with a poorly working headpiece on the right. This would get me through Monday and I would immediately order new headpieces. I knew I probably wouldn’t get them before my meeting on Tuesday, but with prayer and tape, I managed to wear both my Harmony processors and get through the meeting and that day.

Wednesday I started watching for a Federal Express delivery. When nothing came by 4:30 pm my husband, Paul, encouraged me to call customer service again and ask about my order. To my shock and dismay, the order had been put on hold due to new regulations and probably some confusion about my immediate need. As the customer service person was explaining equipment changes, the new procedures and how long it could take, I was overcome with emotion. I gave the phone to Paul, my rock. I am so blessed to have a husband who has been willing to come to my rescue and give me rest, or let me cry.

The customer service representative and insurance assistant stayed with us on the phone figuring out how to make sure I have sound as soon as possible. Replacement headpieces should be here by Friday and the order process for Naida has been initiated. With the new parts on their way, I have rallied and have much to look forward to as the Naida has some great new features I am excited to try. Still – I am not as tough as I thought – and I will never be without backup parts again!

Making a Come Back

On By Glenice SIn Cochlear Implant, Hearing Environment, Hearing Loss, Jesus Christ Superstar, Music, Theater, What I Hear2 Comments

While at a holiday party this past winter, I found out that our local theater was planning to do the stage show “Jesus Christ Superstar.” I had seen this show before my hearing loss was diagnosed progressive and when I still had almost normal hearing. It is one of my favorite musicals. 

When my daughters were in marching band I did a lot of volunteer sewing for the color-guard. I was missing the sewing and creating that goes into putting together a show so I decided to volunteer to help with costuming LTO’s (Little Theater of Owatonna) production of “Jesus Christ Superstar.”  About a month ago we got started on the process and I have been going to the theater a couple nights a week. I’m sewing costumes for five of the characters. 

This evening I happened to be walking into the theater on my way to the costuming room when the cast was singing the “Hosannah” song. I stopped to listen and was completely drawn in. It was beautiful. I sat down and ended up staying for quite awhile as they continued to run the scene. 

Although I have had my cochlear implants for quite a few years, giving me a fair share of CI moments (as we cochlear implant users call them), this was another CI moment  in a couple of ways. First, hearing the voices raised in song as they carried through the theater was awesome. You see, the last time I attended a production in that theater, my youngest daughter was playing a major role in “The Crucible” and my hearing was so bad that I had to read the script before going to see her perform. I had stopped going to plays there because I couldn’t get the dialogue on my own. Being able to hear and understand songs in this theater that I stopped going to many years ago felt almost unbelievable.

The second moment is a little different in nature as it goes beyond hearing. I lost my hearing gradually over 30 years and little by little I gave up activities and relationships in my life as I became uncomfortable with my inability to hear. It was easier to shrink my world than it was to battle the challenges of communication I faced every day. I looked around the theater at the people noting friends from many years ago and the new friends I’m making and realized that I am no longer minimizing my world. I’m growing it, jumping in, and just like the stage production of “Jesus Christ Superstar,” I’m making a come back. 


Clear Voice

On By Glenice SIn Bilateral, Cochlear Implant, Hearing Environment, Hearing Loss, Mapping, What I Hear1 Comment

People often ask and want to understand how I hear with my cochlear implant. When trying to help others understand, I and other CI users have described pictures. For instance, if moderate deafness is a blurry picture, then hearing aids bring the picture into focus. When you are profound to severely deaf and you can’t make out the picture at all, it is just a smear of colors – a cochlear implant brings the picture back so you can make out what it is. The degree of blurriness varies amongst users. My cochlear implant experience has been great and I have a pretty sharp picture that includes bright colors representing my enjoyment of music. 
The company that makes my cochlear implant, Advanced Bionics (AB), is a progressive company that continues to seek ways to bring better hearing to the deaf and hard of hearing. They keep fine tuning the picture and since I got my first cochlear implant in 2001, AB has presented their cochlear implant users with three advances in the processing technology. The last improvement I received was like getting a high definition television. Today I got the third. It is called “Clear Voice” and my hearing picture just went 3-D. 
Clear Voice processing is able to identify background noise that may interfere with understanding speech and then lowers it to a level that gets it out of the way for better speech comprehension. There are three levels to choose from, low, medium and high. 
While I was being fitted with Clear Voice, there was a steady rain coming down pattering on the window of my audiologist’s office. When she first turned Clear Voice on for me, I immediately noticed the softening of the sound of the rain. She had it set to medium. When she put the Clear Voice on high, the sound of the rain disappeared. Then we tried the low setting, which I liked. I could still hear the rain, but it felt pushed back and out of the way of the conversation with my audiologist.
For my three programs, I decided to go with Clear Voice low on one map, medium on the second and my old favorite map in the third slot. I had my processors set to the first map with Clear Voice low for the drive home. I was planning to test the sound of music during the drive and I discovered that I really like Clear Voice low to listen to music. This map pushed the car and road noise down enough so that the music sounded wonderful. 
This technology is amazing! I think I’m going to love hearing with Clear Voice. It is a whole new picture!

Thankful for Health and Hearing

On By Glenice SIn Bilateral, Cochlear Implant, Hearing Environment, Hearing Loss, Listening, What I HearLeave a comment

There were some rough patches for our family during the 2011 holiday season which served to enlarge our blessings with the contrast of getting through some moments to celebrating others. Due to illnesses with a daughter and grandson, I found myself in emergency and hospital rooms more times than I care to remember over a two month period. We all value health and it is during these times we are reminded to be grateful for it. So we start off 2012 recovering, being well and looking forward to living well.
During one of my daughter’s hospital stays, I had the opportunity to share how I hear with a senior resident. He said they tend to go over cochlear implants fairly quickly in medical school and he was truly interested in how I hear with them. He was genuinely surprised at how well I hear. The conversation moved along without any phrases like “pardon me” or “I’m sorry, what did you say?” The doctor admitted that had no one told him, he would not have been able to tell that I don’t have natural hearing. It was fun to share with him and I enjoy every opportunity to educate medical professionals. Fortunately that conversation took place when the doctor and his team were preparing to discharge my daughter and things were looking up that day.
It was approximately a month later, on Christmas morning, that I was in the emergency room with another daughter and her son. Her husband was unable to go with her because he was sick and we were taking their one month old baby boy, Jared, to the hospital. I was glad I was able to be there for them. It is hard when they are so young and blood draws and an IV are needed. I watched as the RN explained to Paula, my daughter, how hard it can be to get an IV into a baby and that often they have to try twice. Upon hearing this I immediately began to pray for Jared asking God to bless the nurse’s skill and help her to get it the first time so that this precious baby boy only had to be poked once.
Paula was helping to hold Jared and I was sitting in a chair at the side of the room. The nurse had her back to me and I had my head down praying. After giving it to God, I sat there just listening and waiting. The nurse and lab tech were taking there time with the process. When I sensed the RN was ready I was holding my breath. Before I took in any air, I heard her say, “Well there is your Christmas present. That is a Christmas miracle right there!” The IV was in on the first try. I sighed a prayer of relief, “Thank You Jesus,” and then I smiled for Jared. When I realized how well I had heard the nurse I smiled again and sent another thank you to the Lord for my hearing. A little while later, a diagnosis was made and Jared was admitted to the hospital for treatment. He was discharged after three days and continued to recover at home.
On a daily basis, I experience the extreme of complete silence to being able to hear most everything once my AB cochlear implant processors are on.  You would think after ten years that I wouldn’t still be amazed by this, but I am. I will never take my hearing, my health, or the health of my family for granted. Now that I have had some recent reminders of how precious all that is, I will try to remember to thank the Lord for it all every day.